Dec 30, 2017

"In the view of the existentialist, the individual's starting point is characterized by what has been called "the existential attitude", or a sense of disorientation, confusion, or dread in the face of an apparently meaningless or absurd world." - Robert C. Solomon, Existentialism

I'd like to welcome you into my life. If anyone cares to read this then hey, you might just as well be going through your own existential crisis. I'm 27 years fresh and the past year has been one of difficult growth and self discovery. I lost the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with... well, actually I left him, and for what I go back and forth questioning was the right decision. Those kinds of choices are the hardest ones to make, and yet they are the most crucial to growing into the person you want to be. I never thought that I would be back here on my own, a single woman trying to date in the modern bullshit world of dating apps and men who either aren't secure enough in themselves or who have lost their ability to show basic human decency. It's a sad slap in the face after leaving someone who verbally abused me on a regular basis and would lash out for reasons most people would just shake their head at. I don't think he is inherently a bad person, but I do believe he is in desperate need of anger management, either way that isn't my problem anymore. It was liberating to leave him. I embraced my newfound freedom but I did everything I could to forget about him. I drank heavily, I slept with strangers, I was a very toxic person to myself, and yet I was free. It was almost like the past 4 years of my life I had forgotten how to be Brittney again, and I was terrified of being alone. I still hate being lonely, I still dread the thought of never finding love again, and to be honest I don't have a lot of faith left that I will, but I'm ready to love myself. I'm at a point in my life where I find that no matter how far I stray from the path that lead me to where I am now, I will always find a way back, back to center, back to Brittney. I think it took a lot of sifting through strange men, bad men, pitiful men, to finally let go of trying to find one at all. As backwards as it sounds, I think it took a lot of pain and heartbreak to realize that I really am good enough. I am an amazing woman, and I think that there are a lot of nasty people in the world who would rather treat me otherwise, but I know that I am worthy of love and I know that it's what I deserve. Therefore, I no longer allow toxic people like that to enter my world. I don't give those people the time of day because I have lost patience for them. I am stronger now than I ever was because of everything that I've been through, and although I still cry heavily because of it, I know that I will pull through this and find peace with myself. It's not easy at all, and sometimes I just want to drown myself in a bottle of Jameson, but I have this voice telling me that there is something greater waiting for me just on the horizon so long as I still have the bravery to tread towards it.